What happens when I get drunk and write personal ads.

We both know you're not going to respond to this ad.

I have a job. I hate it. Even if I liked what I did I would hate my job. They pay me and that makes me a whore. I do other things for fun but because I work for money it makes me feel dirty.

I have a house. It's a small house in a working class neighborhood. Well actually, the bank owns this house but we have a written agreement in which they take the results of my whoring so that I have a warm dry place to sleep and play Wii.

I have a television and Netflix but I don't get any TV or cable stations. I don't have satellite or subscription or HD radio. I think I may have purchased or illegally downloaded maybe a dozen songs in the last 10 years. I have no idea what Ke$ha is and I really hope Justin Bieber get eaten by an alligator. Incidentally, alligators kick tremendous amounts of ass. It's only because of my ill-conceived nationalism that I like them more than komodo dragons.

I will probably find your political beliefs laughable. I lost my faith in democracy in 2000 when the country decided on a Bush / Gore ticket instead of a Bradley / McCain contest. Sure McCain is an asshole now but only because the 2004 election showed that Americans wanted an asshole in charge. Truth is, fascism is a vastly superior form of government but I can't find any non-racist fascist here and racism is really fucking stupid.

I have a car, a motorcycle, a bicycle, bus fare and two good legs. I can get where I need to get. I can probably get you there too. If you judge a person on his or her mode of transportation, you can suck my balls.

They are animals and I will eat them. They would eat me if they could. Don't be a dick about it before you kill them and let's shoot for fewer germs. I don't understand spices. I will make food out of meat and vegetables and rice and potatoes but it will be plain. I love sandwiches more than my family.

I have bad posture, probably due to lots of things but I walk a little bit hunched over like C. Montgomery Burns. By the way, he's my favorite Simpsons character and I think he should get his own show. I don't have a chin and unless I have facial hair I'm kind of rat-faced.

This is something that upsets me about ladies' personal ads. Don't describe yourself in enigmatic physical descriptions like athletic, curvy, fit, plus sized or BBW. State your height and weight or your dress size. We're guys and we like what we like and we understand numbers. I'm probably more likely to find you unattractive to me because you're too small and that makes me the weirdo who likes big girls. Besides, did it ever occur to you that some guys just might want to be attracted to your mind and personality? Oh yeah, that's poor, funny looking, strange, uncoordinated, badly dressed guys that you don't want to date.

Dammit, I'm sad and lonely and I just want someone to go with me to bars and shows and restaurants and dinner parties that my smug married friends throw. I want to be interested in the things that interest you. I want to know what pisses you off. Some times I just want to lay in each others arms and watch old episodes of The State or Quantum Leap or whatever show you turn me on to and know that today sucked and tomorrow is going to suck but for right now we don't have to think about that.

Like I said, you are probably not going to reply. Man, I love a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Jeez, do you people need me.

The AP recently ran an article entitled “Attendants Fume Over Flightplan”. Several stewardess unions were unhappy with the portrayal of persons in their profession in said movie. A less flattering picture would have been what flight attendants actually do on airplanes, sell me overpriced drinks and ask for exact change. Apparently they are contractually obligated to have sex with pilots but they didn’t complain about that movie.

Lil’ Kim is painting herself as a victim of a bias against hip hop following her recent conviction. She got caught lying to a investigators looking into a shooting between rival entourages. Her testimony was contested by videotape evidence. She couldn’t have been caught more red handed in a lie if a chubby intern showed up with a semen stained dress. Amidou Dialo is a victim of racism; Lil’ Kim is a dishonest skank.
Racism is a real problem in America. I’ve seen the clutched purses in elevators. I’ve seen the suspicious looks from shop keepers. I’ve seen the black guy get sent to the back to wash dishes, while I got to work the front counter. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything then but, to be honest, washing Taco Bell dishes for minimum wage might be the only thing I hate more than racism.

I recently received that emails that’s being forwarded that states members of Congress don’t pay into Social Security yet draw fantastic retirement benefits from a taxpayer funded system. You see, the problem with this email, like almost all mass forwarded emails is that a simple internet search disproves them. Skeptical that I counter emails with the unedited, unverified internet, are you? Please lean into your monitor so that I can reach out and slap you. I countered this forward with the senate.gov website.

Listen man, I got the fire. I also have weapons and maps of government offices and arsenals. Why do they put Army Reserve and National Guard armories in residential areas? So that they can quickly start kicking down doors and shooting women and children.

However, we have the most open and transparent Legislature the world has ever known. The Executive branch is shady as all hell, but it's pretty easy to know what Congress is really doing.

These chain emails with incorrect and false information distract us from the real problems. Did you know that Congress spent $500,000.00 on a study to evacuate New Orleans last year? Why should we care, because the money was spent but no report was completed. You know the rest of the story as they keep interrupting the commercial breaks to tell you.

How much molybdenum or iron or brominated vegetable oil do you really need? You can get your answer from the Food and Drug Administration, which is in the pocket of big business, or you can get your answer from some tree hugging Boulder company that doesn't use the scientific method to test products.

It's time to wake up, to rise up, to take up arms and create the Drew World Order! You're either with me or against me. Every mahn dies, but no’ every mahn troooly lives.

Too Much to Fit in One Title

Why am I forced to suffer through these morons? Why can't I push them in a giant meat grinder and feed them to the less offensive morons? Most people are not fit to vote or sit on a jury or drive or speak in public. Sit back whilst I dispense some justice.

Are you looking for a date or a shovel to the face? Why do online profiles and personal ads have to be so stupid? You love to laugh do you? What do you laugh at? Is it the Special Olympics, or Will and Grace? Because only one of those two things is really funny. Does your ad say that you're smart and have a great sense of humor? How about you put an intelligent or humorous sentence in your ad, lobotomite?

These are the same people that write a ridiculously stupid cookie cutter ad and then complain that there are no good people to date. There are lots of good people to date, but they have identified you as a troglodyte and moved on. Did you just write only that you are looking for someone fun, attractive and successful then complain that you got too many responses? It's called selectivity, Miss Social Disease. Please go stand in that line and do not resist the man shoving you down the metal chute.

You know who's about to taste some crowbar flavored righteousness? My gym teacher friend who complains about not having money. She recently asked for help replacing the pedals on her bicycle. These are pedals that match the shoes she also bought. Someone suggested a different set of shoes and pedals and she said she couldn't afford them because she was only a teacher. First I know how much teachers make. See salary.com It's twice what I make. Second, you only work 9 months of the year at a civil service job. You're a gym teacher. You should pay us not to feed you to the students. Lastly, teachers as a whole don't deserve a living wage because you're doing a piss poor job. How do I know? Everyone I meet is a fucking retard. My parents taught me how to read and write and count. Every teacher I ever had after that was worthless once she passed out the book. Since the kid in the front row often did the distributing of the books, I'm not really sure what the teacher was there for at all.

Here are people that are good at their jobs: dishwashers, lifeguards, postal delivery workers (I just put them here because they will shoot me if I don't), firemen--not fire fighters, firemen because some of you just aren't angry enough yet. Who dies in fires? People that are so stupid they don't deserve to live. You know that public service announcement that used to run on Saturday mornings about "Stop, drop and roll"? It deserves the paychecks of most of my teachers.

All children suck. The arrangement between parents is that we won't tell you how much your children suck so that you don't tell us how miserable our children are. It's all to avoid the painful and difficult conversation where you explain to your own children just how awfully they really do suck.

What in the hell is this brown fluid that keeps leaking out of my nose?

When I am walking my dog and we approach an intersection he sits and I stop. I look both ways and in most cases watch vehicles drive through said intersection. At a stop sign pedestrians have the right of way. My dog understands that better than the people Colorado gives driver licenses to. This is a dog that humps the wrong end of other dogs. Yet we give these turd heads the ability to careen through the city in a glass and metal and gasoline box of death.

If you got hustled by an online scam, there is no need to post to a message board warning others. You were promised lonely girls in your area, or prescription drugs without a prescription or free software or a job you were grossly unqualified for and it didn't work out that way? That doesn't surprise those of us who don't only use our heads to warm our pillows. Whether or not you used spell check or what you think is a big word, when your message is "Look out for this scam", all I read is "Could you tell me which way to The Grinder?"

I cleaned my rifle for bear season. I stocked up on ammunition during elk season. I calibrated my sight through duck season. When, oh when, do we have open season on journalists who write stories on the diet habits of celebrities?

I think that's about it for now. Since some of you asked, The Mustard can be found here. There are few things I enjoy less than watching general studies majors make millions of dollars to play a game, like people talking and writing about these meat heads. But, I'm a decent human being and thought some of you might enjoy this blog. Let's see how long it is before you nag me to post again.

Finally, a list of things that don't suck.

The Enormous Omelet sandwich from Burger King, 700 calories of eggs, bacon, sausage and cheese. I could link you to any number of news articles crying about cholesterol or sodium or some other things that bed wetters cry about (most notably that rash) but I'm going to tell you that the sandwich rocks. The only thing that might have made this sandwich better would be pepper jack cheese or hot sauce but I have hot sauce at home. It has bacon and sausage, the one two punch of our mastery over pigs. For all you ridiculous vegetarians out there, first, you have CANINE teeth. I cannot have an intelligent conversation with you. Second, pigs are large and meaty and COME WHEN YOU CALL. Nature clearly wants me to eat them.

Black Cherry Kool-Aid. I was going to just say Kool-Aid, but let's be real here. Grape and Orange don't really taste like fruit. Lime is just foul. As if I didn't have enough disdain for executives and marketing weasels, who green lighted Raw Egg Flavor?

Mustard Nirvana. The Authentic Stadium Mustard available only in Greater Cleveland formerly found only in Cleveland Municipal Stadium is the king. All other mustards must fall prostrate before it. Under no circumstance should you ever confuse it with that abomination: Official Ballpark Mustard. Never have I seen such a horrific example of coattail riding in my life. There is a special place in hell for you purveyors of Official Ballpark Mustard. Even one packet of French's yellow mustard can kick the ass of all the ketchup in the world (or catsup for you Nancies, but since you're getting your ass kicked by a packet of mustard I don't know why I care about your spelling preferences). So you take a hot dog bun and put a stripe of spicy brown mustard down one side. Then you put some yellow mustard down the other side. After that you put a heavy stripe of Authentic Stadium Mustard right down the middle. A hot dog or bratwurst is then placed in this bed of greatness and consumed to reach a higher plane.

When a train holds up traffic but only goes a few yards from the edge of the road. I can ride my bicycle across the tracks behind the last car while you buffoons wait for some rail car to get unloaded in another state, because trains are long.

Strong Bad emails

People who don't lock their cars. I have been finding the greatest stuff. There are pills and tools and a baby that only knows curse words. Well it only knew curse words when I put it back. Taking a baby from a black Honda in a grocery store parking lot and putting a newly verbal baby back in a black Honda in some other grocery store parking lot is perfectly normal, right?

Prallethrin, Lambda-Cyhalothryn and/or my urine. I have unwanted six-legged visitors: big, black roaches, the kind that eat the other roaches. Roaches are the most hated, disgusting, garbage-fed monstrosities the world has ever known. I have the roaches that eat them. I don't like to sleep at night because if they eat roaches, I must be delicious. So the fancy chemicals are sprayed all over the house but sometimes one gets through. I caught one in my lavatory and threw it in the toilet. As it tried to free itself from the water, I urinated upon it. This amused the piss out of me. Taken with the supernatural waste fluid receptacle that I have, this went on for about ninety minutes before the intruder was flushed to his confirmed death.

My hair. It's thick and luxurious and still connected to my head. Holy freaking cow is it beautiful. Does the phrase "holy cow" count as Hindi blasphemy?

Cheap rent, a phone number the creditors don't have, that dog in Kenya that was going to eat that baby before she was interrupted, school bus crashes, ten for a dollar Ramen (Chicken flavor only), the fact that I can use flavor that many times in the same rambling, and this girl that's going to buy me dinner.

Go forth, faithful reader, and be less sucky.

Old Ladies Are Completely Worthless

I was recently involved in Denver Digs Trees annual tree sale and distribution. As you may or may not know Colorado does not have a climate or landscape that facilitates natural tree reproduction. The ground is too hard and dusty and there is not enough rainfall to encourage seeds to take root. Almost all of the trees in Colorado's metropolitan areas were planted by people.

For those of you thinking that I care about oxygen or cleaning up pollution or any of that other crap trees take credit for, "What are you, stupid? Have you not been paying attention?" I plant trees because I hate people I would like to see them wiped off the planet. I side with the trees because they have like a 1 billion year evolutionary head start and none of them whine that global warming will flood the coasts.

On a related note, if there are any predatory alien species waiting to take over the earth I pledge my allegiance to you. If you would give me intergalactic travel or maybe death rays to shoot out of my eyes I will gladly, nee gleefully, destroy anyone and anything that opposes you.

So my job as a tree handler / mulch bagger entailed standing in garage full of trees and getting them for the customers. Someone calls out the name of the tree, I check the label, select the correct tree, put the roots in a bag, fill bag with mulch, give to customer, tell them to go away. Apparently the job of all the old ladies is to tell dumb stories, stand where I'm trying to walk, tell me they can identify trees better than the tag put there by the nursery, and keep me from getting another organic soda, which suck by the way, corporate sponsor.

Do you know what they did next? Wait. That's the tingling in my arm the doctor says I should call him about. Where are my pills, dammit?!

Giant Bladder's Greatest Hits

I don't post very often because I'm doing stuff, like helping Wisconsin pass laws to allow the hunting of cats or trying to figure out why every time I go to a meeting there is someone to ask retardedly stupid questions. If I can somehow get those people classified as feral cats in Wisconsin the world would be perfect.

So I would like to acknowledge my favorite visitors. First is whoever told the heart attack story to people in my old neighborhood. I'm sooo greatful to be worthy of gossip. Then there is my mother, who after reading the site called to tell me that, "I continue to be a disappointment and embarrassment" to her. Then she asked me, "Why can't you be more like your brother?" To which I responded, "Which brother?" She said, "I don't care. Just quit being like you." I told her that I think Hallmark makes a card with that on it. Then she cursed at me in Yiddish and hung up. I didn't even know my mother could speak Yiddish.

No, I Won't Support Your Charity Part I

No, I will not support your charity. Charities that fall into either of these categories will not get my time or money: helping children or fighting disease.

I will not buy candy or cookies or candles or magazine subscriptions or whatever ridiculously overpriced crap it is this week to support your kid’s extra-curricular activity. It’s not my job. Children should be put in metal desks, given information via computer monitor, and then questioned about that information. Incorrect answers will result in a mild electric shock. The information could be presented again and the student tested again until all information had been retained. “All information” will include how to be of value to society.

Why do I love this plan, because it would be inexpensive and effective and it would crush the teacher’s union. Now I’m sure that there are some teachers who really believe that they are performing a noble service that we, as society, shun. Sure cops and fire fighters and soldiers get all the glory, but if everyone was just retaining more information we probably wouldn’t need any of them.

The problem no one wants to acknowledge is: some kids will never get out of the desk. I have no objection to you feeding and watering those kids. I think these kids should be ground up and fed to the kids that can learn but since I am a reasonable man you can keep the dumb ones as pets.

The metal chairs would fold up allowing the student to run on a treadmill, presenting the physical activity necessary for proper health. This would also not interrupt the presentation of information on the aforementioned monitor.

Oh yeah, we were crushing the teacher’s union. The union is just a bunch of people who get paid to whine and complain. Now they would really have something to complain about and no one would pay them. The only thing funnier than that kind of biting wit is a kid stuck down a well. Man, I love wells.

Why am I not the Secretary of Education?

Let’s get back to why I’m not supporting your charity. I don’t like children. I especially don’t like your children. I told you not to have them. Don’t come crying to me when you can’t afford to care for them. Your noisy germ bags are your problem end of discussion.